All great psychotherapy starts with deeply connected listening. Listening is in short supply in our culture. A culture that covers up pain and struggles desperately to be positive. In my psychotherapy I begin with empathic listening and then I move into a model that I have created over 43 years of doing this work.
It is called Reality Centered Therapy. (RCT) Adyashanti says: “Everyone fights reality and reality wins…but only every time!” If you're smiling at this, it is a very good sign because the basic structure of our Human Primate nature is to grasp desperately for pleasure and avoid pain. This is in complete contradiction to the reality of life, which is constantly giving us pain and sickness and conflict and adversity. It is really ironically amusing that we fight reality...and lose and lose and lose again. But if that is what we know then this is all we know.
There is another way.
In response to this adversity we fantasize, dissociate repress and deny our pain in the hope that it will solve our problems. It does give us temporary relief but growth and healing are limited by this. RCT is a method, a way of dialoguing this conflict between our nature and life, to enable healing and growth and transformation.
In addition to this approach I use brain based psychotherapies to work more deeply with trauma and loss and grief. Brain Working Recursive Therapy, Brain Spotting, Eye Movement integration, The Stress and Trauma Release Process and Somatic work.
I've also developed many techniques for working with stress.
Issues with which I Work
- I work with adults and couples.
- Couples therapy. I have completed Level 1 Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy and use this model in my work. After 40 years in the field, I can say with absolute confidence that the Gottman Method, though not perfect, enables more significant and sustainable change than any other method I have come across. It is based on 40 years of intensive research with 3,000 couples.
- It helps couples to change the way in which they dialogue, before trying to resolve their problems.
- This work has changed my life, personally and professionally.
- Anxiety and panic attacks. I really know how debilitating they can be, having experienced them for 18 months 45 years ago! I approach anxiety using conscious techniques and deeper subconscious work, depending on your history, needs and expectations. The subconscious causes are very deep and mostly reflect our need for control. And the more we want to control life, (fighting reality) the more anxious we get!
- Depression - this can be worked with from many angles. Brain Based Work, as well as Cold Water Immersion and breathing techniques that activate dopamine creation, provide unique ways of healing depression. In addition, human beings are wired to go into fight - flight - freeze under pressure and threat. One of the major causes of depression is a 'blocked fight back response'. As kids we are powerless to fight back against our parents and teachers. Releasing this through BBW can lead to extraordinary healing.
- Career challenges. My corporate consulting work has given me deep insight into the challenges associated with the corporate world and career stress. There are many strategies for working with this, including a technique I created, called Strategic Questions to build power and confidence in managing difficult people and cultures. I often combine Executive Coaching with deep emotional work. They go together.
- Chronic Fatigue. I have personally experienced this for over 3 decades and have consulted multiple doctors, allopathic and alternative. I can share my psychological learnings and practical strategies (not medical) for working with this.
- I share with my clients multiple techniques, all of which I use personally, on a daily basis, to reduce stress and activate the relaxation, as opposed to the fight or flight response. These include: Clinical and Self-Hypnosis - the latter is Very useful for activating deep relaxation! Improving Heart Rate Variability through specific breathing techniques - Heart Rate Variability is one of the easiest to measure and best assessments of your levels of stress and health - Les Fehmi's Open Focus Brain method, Wim Hof's cold water immersion and breathing technique and Adyashanti's unique meditation technique.
- Sleep problems. Sleep, diet and exercise are crucial for mental and physical health. There are multiple techniques for improving and working with this triad.
- Alcoholism and drug addiction. One of the most challenge mental wellness challenges. If you want to put in the work, I can help you.
- Working with Shame, the most unspoken about feeling in our culture.
- I use many methods, developed over decades of working on myself and with clients, for helping to release overwhelming emotions, including: A Surrender to Helplessness meditation, a What would it feel like to...emotional release technique, moving from Fear...to Trust, softening Grasping and Wanting more pleasure (more fighting reality!) - the defining feature of the Ego, in which we are all immersed.
- These techniques help us to create space in the nervous system, which is necessary when we are overwhelmed, enabling the BBW work to be more effective. Many approaches rush too quickly to the trauma work, before space has been created in the nervous system, making the trauma work ineffective. Building Resourcefullness ie the ability to relax and restore your nervous system and energy is often a crucial foundation to the emotional work.
The Dentist Empathy Test
"What would you say to your 10 year old child who is going to the dentist for the first time and they say they are anxious"
Most people answer: "Don't worry, it'll be fine...I love you...you're a strong kid...it won't hurt(which is a lie!)"
This is Corrective Listening!!! Thanks to Jeff Brown for the term.
It is not making space for the child's anxiety.
I had a prostate operation a while back.
I did not have cancer. Most of the people I know said: "You'll be fine...these ops have a great success rate...you've got this..."
I had 5 weeks of hell after the op. It went badly. I didn't "have this!"
I am, nevertheless, now fully recovered.
If you don't make space for people's pain, they will try to deal with it on their own and they will shut down and withdraw from you. The major component in failed relationships is distance. A lack of empathy for the pain of others', is a major factor in creating this.
I have given the Dentist Test to over 300 clients in the last 5 years and every single one of their mother's fails. This failure creates shame...which I work with in psychotherapy.
Watch this video!!! Mel Robbins a podcaster is interviewing Gabor Maté. He starts working with her! https://tinyurl.com/mscf82ka
Boundaries!
“Believing you can live without a psychological boundary, is like believing you can survive without an immune system.”
- I have worked with thousands of clients, helping them to develop powerful boundaries, that sometimes need to be expressed with softness and sometimes, simply with power. This is the most frequently recommended blog I have written, which I refer my clients to, that will give you some insight into this work.
Meditation
Most people think that when they meditate they have to stop thinking. This is not meditation. Meditation is quite simply: Letting everything be as it is. I have been meditating for 45 years. I started with Transcendental Meditation, did 3 years of Hindu meditation, 12 years of Buddhism and then gave up!!! I found that none of these approaches generalized into the rest of my life.
I then discovered Adyashanti. What a transformation! I use this method primarily to move toward Spiritual Awakening but it can be used to simply learn to calm down the nervous system. His meditation method is unique and transformational.
Make an Appointment
I work in Claremont in Cape Town for in person sessions. I am also available for Zoom sessions. If you want to make an appointment, WhatsApp me on +27 82454 9564